It has been few weeks from the day we started to argue in silence. I'm too critical I must say... It makes me want to get everything clear and reasonable to be accepted. I request for B & W answers which I knew I might not want to hear... I hurt myself and I know I wanted to hurt others as well... I'm too selfish to suffer alone even though for all what have happened, I'm the person who made mistakes grow bigger and bigger. I just can't help thinking of those words I have written... Are they all true? Was I say something wrong? Why didn't they say back? Why are they ignoring me? Am I really what I am? Where am I in their heart? Am I important? I keep forgiving and yet, keep thinking about all these sadness.

Until yesterday, when I wrote the last entry in my blogspot for last few words to someone... I felt... ALRIGHT, IT'S GONE. I thought I also could do the same thing... block, close, delete, ignore.... whatever they did to feel protected but at the end... I'm still too concerned. I don't know, I don't understand myself. And I laughed at myself as well. Now.. when everything is settled, I realized I have forgotten the main purpose of moving out! It's so silly, really silly. I didn't want to stay back is because the bullshit housemates. They have been driving me mad with their mess in the house and I just can't take it anymore. I went to look for a new place.. clean and quiet. And I still asked all the owners if I would stay 2 persons.. I still wanted to get something back... I still wanted to fix it! But... it turned out to be "because of my roommate, I must move out". I was dragged around all these things that I totally forgot what I supposed to do! Oh gosh..., now only I realized it! Such a stupid girl! It calmed me down so far.. I feel peace in my mind and I'm ready to leave. For my own sake, for others' sake of being released from me.
Should I consider, how have I been living on this planet that I get this result today?

This morning I decided to forget everything and start my own life! I thought nothing else could stop me anymore but yes, still ONE. I was going to shut down my laptop and I saw the status. My brain just didnt work fast as I wish to remember we are no longer at the same line that I grabbed my phone, sms her without thinking what the hell I was doing. No reply... I was crying... I felt upset... So, it's really gone... I asked my friends all the way back home with the same question: "did I do anything wrong? I should forget ya?" Just like that... I'm an evil... But then I got the msg... I was shaking... and at that moment, I wondered "Am I lesbian?" Watching ADRIFT haunted me with that thought! Well... Need to move faster I guess. hahahahhaaha

But this evening I got the house. It's not cheap though... and very small. It's as small as the storeroom. Hahahha but frankly, I'm comfortable. I will just live quietly like that until I'm graduated... I'm scared of loving someone... and I'm sure she does too........ Everybody says once I move out, the relationship will be better. We can be closed friend, we can be good sisters.. but shouldn't stay together. Melancholy will never accept Popular unless we both change.... (and I'm too Melancholy, I cant change). I believe so... and I'm smiling happily with "Fated to love you". hahahah
I will have to ask money from mom... I can't handle the deposit right at this moment... The burden I put on her shoulder always reminds me to study hard and work hard... I can't keep my chin up once I still can't pay her back for 100 mil. loans. Wishing I have more money....